“Many people come to me asking how I can pray… how I should think… what I should do… and the whole time, they neglect the most important question… which is how should I be?” (Meister Eckhart)

I have an almost compulsive habit of “getting things done.” Some people say that I am efficient. However, I do not recall anyone ever saying that I excel in the grace of relaxation. For example, when I take my 40-minute ride to work, rather than gradually waking up with some music or a cup of coffee, I tend to listen to educational or inspiring podcasts.

A few years ago, I was listening to the latest installment of my favorite podcast, “On Being,” with Krista Tippett.” The program consisted of an interview with the late Celtic mystical writer, John O’Donohue. I deeply resonated with many aspects of the interview, and felt compelled to listen to it many, many times.

One particular component of the interview caused me to pause and wonder. It is the quotation that begins this post. In particular, Meister Eckhart’s question, “how should I be?,” stirred in me. I often have wrestled with what I want to do. I set goals, for instance, for the short-term and long-term. I make plans. However, rarely have I considered how I want to be.

After stumbling over this question a few dozen times, it struck me to write down specific ways in which I want to “be” in the world.

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When I was very young, I was what most people would call a “mama’s boy.” I have very fond memories going to elementary school with my mom (she volunteered a lot in my school), and returning home during the day to have lunch with her (we lived only a few blocks away). I remember hanging out with her as she prepared meals, getting haircuts from her, playing cribbage, delivering newspapers around town, and cuddling with her while we watched movies. My friends thought she was a “cool” mom, and she took pride in “mothering” them in one way or another.

When I was 11 or 12, I remember something being wrong. It was Christmas Eve and our family went on a sudden trip to a Doctor’s office in another town. Later, I found out that my mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I didn’t really know what that meant, but eventually, it led her to lose all her hair and a lot of her strength. She didn’t want anyone to feel pity for her, and she didn’t want me to see her in her weakness, so she tried to keep this to herself. When I was 14, she died.

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In the past several months, it has been difficult to scan through news without reading about some horrific incidence of international violence. An image that recently has haunted me is one of 21 Coptic Christians about to be beheaded by masked members of ISIS in Egypt.

Such incidents leave me with a sense of helplessness, as I know I am basically powerless to do anything that could directly help. Yet, reflecting on incidents of violence elsewhere has made me more sensitive to processes that relate to prejudice and violence around and within me. Here there seems to be more opportunity for control.

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It has long been known that American students, on average, tend to perform worse on international tests of achievement than students in other developed countries. In a recent article in the Star Tribune (“Finland not an apt mold for U.S. schools”), Robert Shumer notes that when the poorest schools are removed from these analyses, American schools perform the best in the world. He concludes, “all things considered, perhaps the U.S. education system is actually doing well.” Although he makes a valid point, no attempt is made to explain or propose solutions for those who most struggle, disproportionately the poor.

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Life consists of stories. By this, I don’t mean that we all read stories or watch stories or hear stories, but rather that we live stories. More than likely, we don’t live a single story either; instead, we integrate different stories, mostly based on our experiences with life, which typically are disparate.

Dan McAdams, a professor at Northwestern University, has scientifically studied stories, or life narratives, as he sometimes puts it, more than anyone. According to McAdams, a life story includes a reconstructed past, perceived present, and anticipated future. It includes a cast of characters, key experiences, and unifying threads. A critical assumption of narrative theory and narrative therapy is that the stories that most dominant our thought lives typically are the stories that most shape our destinies. If we somehow change our dominant internal stories, our lives change.

It is profound to reflect on the stories that most influence our lives. One story that has altered me is a story of death. When my mom died of breast cancer when I was 14, I coped poorly. For various reasons, I didn’t grieve honestly. However, these things have ways of resurfacing, and the upshot for me has been that I have been preoccupied with health, illness, and death during most of my adult life. The consequences have been both good (for example, helping me to appreciate life, have motivation to live fully now, and have a realistic view of death) and bad (for example, being anxious about health conditions and my own death). A second prominent story in my life has come from a humanistic worldview that emphasizes respect and care for humans without any accompanying religious or spiritual worldview. Many of my best friends are non-religious humanists, and some are the most admirable people I know. Taken together, these two storylines often have contributed to a sense of anxiety and despair, as they both suggest that life on earth is all there is. A third prominent story in my life comes from American culture. The story here is of people seeking to attain worth through standing out, relative to others, typically though achievement. I have proactively sought some of this story through psychology and self-help materials, both of which emphasize individuality. This story has motivated me to “be all I can be,” but also has led me to believe, in some ways, that my life lacks meaning unless it achieves something significant.

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One of the great popular myths about religion seems to be that there is much more uniformity in thought and practice than actually is the case. In his book, “A Friendly Letter to Skeptics and Atheists,” Christian psychologist David Myers points to this as an example of the tendency to commit an “outgroup homogeneity bias.” As Myers points out, tongue in cheek, “Catholic liberation theology and jihadist beheadings are, um, a little different!”

More specifically, someone might believe that their experience within a particular Christian church or denomination somehow generalizes to their potential experiences across all Christian churches or denominations, that their encounter with one Christian somehow represents their potential encounters with all Christians, and that the information they gather from prominent cases of Christians in the media somehow extends to all of Christianity. These tendencies demonstrate what Myers noted above, basically an inaccurate stereotyping process, and typically would not reflect the considerable diversity within any religion, including Christianity.

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“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God.” (Matthew 5:3)

Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount is arguably the most countercultural set of teachings in history. It consists of eight pronouncements (often called “beattitudes”) about who truly is blessed in God’s view. It begins with the pivotal statement about the poor in spirit, after which are statements about the blessedness of those who mourn and the persecuted. These pronouncements suggest the opposite of what our culture presupposes, that those who are blessed are the strong, the euphoric, and the powerful. Overall, it seems that the Christian God has a special connection with those who suffer and are oppressed. Ultimately, Christianity teaches that suffering is an important aspect of life. It is not something to “push away,” but is something to “be with” in order to be ultimately transformed.

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“More and more, the desire grows in me simply to walk around, greet people, enter their homes, sit on their doorsteps, play ball, throw water, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have the time to practice this simple ministry of presence. Still, it is not as simple as it seems. My own desire to be useful, to do something significant, or to be part of some impressive project is so strong that soon my time is taken up by meetings, conferences, study groups, and workshops that prevent me from walking the streets. It is difficult not to have plans, not to organize people around an urgent cause, and not to feel that you are working directly for social progress. But I wonder more and more if the first thing shouldn’t be to know people by name, to eat and drink with them, to listen to their stories and tell your own, and to let them know with words, handshakes, and hugs that you do not simply like them, but truly love them.” (Henri Nouwen)

Many people, myself included, value love above all else. Love is at the center of Jesus’ great commandments to love God and to love others as ourselves. What exactly does it mean to love, though? After all, there many different meanings to the term “love.” For example, as I discuss in this post, in a close relationship, “love” could mean an erotic attraction, an experience of intimacy, or a decision to do what is best for a relationship or another person.

I won’t address all of these issues in this post. However, I would like to note what has become one important aspect of love for me: The love shown in being fully present with another.

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“Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love. For it is in giving that we receive.” (St. Francis of Assisi)

One aspect of Christianity that I most resonate with is its’ focus on the interior life. That is, whereas many other religions, and whereas American society especially, tend to focus much more on externals, Christian spirituality emphasizes the centrality of what is happening in people’s minds and hearts to a much greater extent. In this beautiful quotation from a well-known prayer, St. Francis of Assisi particularly highlights the importance of an individual’s motivation in everyday life.

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