Tag Archives: Coping

6 Ways to Cope with Religious and Spiritual Struggles

In the 2023 song “God must hate me,” Catie Turner writes:

“Do you ever see someone and think ‘Wow, God must hate me’
‘Cause He spent so much time on them and for me, He got lazy
Got ample mental illness personality flaws
While their only flaw seems to be is that they have none at all…
I don’t know what I believe
But it’s easier to think
He made a mistake with me.”

Have you ever felt anything like this? Although religion and spirituality can be helpful to people, they also can be sources of stress or even trauma. These lyrics demonstrate the emotional power of what psychologists often term “religious and spiritual struggles.”

What is a Religious or Spiritual Struggle?

A religious or spiritual struggle involves a tension or conflict an individual may experience in relation to what they consider sacred. For instance, like in the song lyrics above, a person may feel angry, disappointed, abandoned, or rejected by God. Someone may wrestle with their beliefs or the ultimate meaning of their lives. An individual also may be upset by interactions they’ve had with others within religious or spiritual communities or feel hurt or offended by the teachings of a faith.

The Effects of Struggling with Religion and Spirituality

Research conducted across a variety of contexts and groups consistently reveals how religious and spiritual struggles predict poorer mental and physical health. For instance, individuals who report more religious and spiritual struggles also tend to report more anxiety, depression, and suicidality as well as lower satisfaction with life and overall happiness.

Experiencing religious and spiritual struggles may also underlie why many people disengage from a religion, an increasingly common occurrence. For example, people may withdraw from a religion when they feel negative emotions toward God, such as in the lyrics that opened this article. As another example, individuals may pull back from religion if they experience judgment from others or disagreement about political issues in their religious community as well as when they feel dissonance about belonging to a group they feel has perpetrated prejudice or violence.

Given all this, what could help people wrestling with stress and trauma associated with religion and spirituality? Below are six suggestions informed by the research on this topic.

6 Ways of Coping with Religious and Spiritual Struggles

1. Realize you’re not alone. Experiencing religious and spiritual struggles appears fairly common. In one study, for example, when a national sample of adults were asked to name a specific religious or spiritual struggle they experienced in the past few months, about 40% could do so. Furthermore, many of the heroes of religious faith – from Job to Jesus to Mother Teresa, in the Judeo-Christian faith, for instance – also struggled with matters of the sacred. Realizing this may help decrease the sense of guilt, shame, or moral unacceptability you may feel.  

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One Insight from Indigenous Spirituality that Promotes Resilience

On February 1, 2012, American Indian Studies Professor, David Mathieu, received the call that is every parent’s worst nightmare. David’s beloved daughter, Felicity, had suddenly died when her car collided with a semi-truck on an icy, two-lane, highway in rural southern Minnesota. She was only 27 years old.

Like anyone who has lost a loved one like this, David struggled mightily with grief. He wrested with questions such as:

“Should we have done something different that would have avoided this accident? Who was at fault? What did we do wrong? Why did she choose to live in a rural area with dangerous roads? How could this happen? Was she or were we being punished? What was the role of God in this tragedy?”

In the aftermath of this horrific event, David’s long-time study of Lakota spirituality – particularly conversations at the Cheyenne River Reservation in South Dakota with medicine men Sidney Keith and Martin High Bear – took on new significance.

A central facet of Lakota spirituality is the concept of Wakan, translated as “Mystery.” In his book, “Way of Wakan: Reflections on Lakota Spirituality and Grief,” Mathieu explains:

“Wakan is, at its core, an ambiguous, yet very honest, explanation of why we cannot understand a reality we desperately wish we could. Wakan, then, is a spiritual ‘position’ on which to base an understanding of one’s spiritual and physical world as well as the relationship between the two.”

Acknowledging the Mystery of the situation helped David with his initial questions and urge to blame someone or something for his daughter’s death. He elaborates:

“Everyone from the driver of the semi-truck, to inadequate roads in southern Minnesota, to the whole area where she lived, and even to Felicity herself for not paying attention to her driving, not taking precautions, seemingly not caring… Blame has no place when all is Wakan and unknowable.”

What seems uniquely powerful about this reliance on Wakan is the humble recognition that some things are simply unknowable to us humans. To suggest anything otherwise would, in fact, be considered presumptuous. Some things just happen, and desperate as we are to find answers, we can’t really know why. This isn’t just a practical perspective in Lakota spirituality; the lack of knowing itself is deemed Sacred. As David writes:

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How Contemplative Practices Promote Health and Well-Being

In a review of everything currently known about the topic, researchers recently developed a scientific model of how contemplative practices of various kinds may encourage better physical and psychological health. Published in Psychological Review, one of the flagship academic journals of the American Psychological Association, this new model advances our understanding of the adverse effects of stress and what can be done to combat it.

The researchers note there are four primary stress-related states we all experience: (1) acute stress (example: arguing with a spouse), (2) moderate threat (example: working), (3) rest (example: watching TV), and (4) deep rest (the least studied of the four, but most beneficial). Although many believe that rest is our baseline, default state, the scientists in this article suggest that, in the United States (and, by extension, in other developed countries), most adults now spend most of their daytime hours in moderate threat arousal, which drains of us of the restorative energy we need to function at our best. In fact, considerable research conducted over many decades demonstrates that this level of chronic stress contributes to various physical and psychological health problems ranging from heart disease to immune suppression, from chronic pain to depression. Individuals from marginalized groups seem particularly likely to experience this degree of toxic stress, helping to explain some of the health inequities we observe in certain groups such as people of color and individuals with poor economic resources.

Whereas acute stress and moderate threat cause sympathetic nervous system activity, deep rest is characterized by the dominance of the parasympathetic nervous system. The parasympathetic nervous system basically calms us. The researchers in the Psychological Review article further speculate that deep rest may be uniquely restorative at a cellular level. In this way – though there are surely limits – deep rest may be physically and psychologically “healing.”

Although there may be several activities that promote deep rest and enhance the body’s restorative capacity, most emphasized in the article is how contemplative practices may play a unique role. As noted by the authors, “contemplative practices are mind-body exercises that are intentionally practiced to work toward inner well-being, psychological flourishing, and deep connection with self, the world, or a higher power.” Examples of such practices include deep prayer, chanting, meditation, yoga, Tai Chi, and Qigong.

To achieve deep rest, the researchers suggest that individuals must feel safe, and that contemplative practices provide unique opportunities for doing so, for several reasons. First, contemplative practices typically are conducted in safe spaces. Examples include intentionally secluded spaces, a harmonious environment, or a natural setting. A sensory component may further cue feelings of safety, such as when essential oils or incense are used. A tactical dimension of the practices may enhance their effects as well. For instance, slowly and rhythmically advancing prayer beads through one’s fingers may promote a sense of absorption through sensations of touch. Second, contemplative practices can be performed in a socially safe environment, including trusted teachers and fellow practitioners. Engaging in a practice in unison with others may evoke a sense of group belonging and sense of awe, adding to the benefits. Finally, contemplative practices may work to create a sense of safety through reduction of distressing thoughts, increase of bodily awareness, improved attentional capacity, and strengthened skills of emotional regulation. In these ways, contemplative practices may be particularly meaningful for those who often lack safety, especially those on the margins of society.

Pexels | Thirdman

Most contemplative practices also encourage slowed and/or regulated breathing, either intentionally or as a result of the calming practice, providing another mechanism for achieving deep rest. In one study, for example, participants told to repeat prayers of either Ave Maria or a yoga mantra slowed their breathing rate to 6 breaths per minute, a rate other research has found to be linked with positive health outcomes. In fact, there is growing research evidence that long-term contemplative practice may change our baseline stress state and make it easier to slip into deep rest as well as deep, nonrapid, eye movement sleep, the stage of sleep that most restores us physically and psychologically.

In many locations in the world where chronic stress is highest, religious involvement is dropping, perhaps contributing to the increase in disorders we’re also observing in those places. Perhaps as a result, many individuals are trying contemplative practices on their own, implementing practices into their lives with the hope they will nurture higher well-being. This new model integrating what is known about contemplative practices, stress, and the body’s restorative capacity further validates the benefits of such practices, whether they occur within a community or whether they are practiced individually. For the average person, all of this may serve as a reminder that taking time to intentionally and deeply connect with one’s self, the world, or a higher power may be one of the most powerful things we can do to manage stress and attain holistic health.

Reference:

Crosswell, A. D., Mayer, S. E., Whitehurst, L. N., Picard, M., Zebarjadian, S., & Epel, E. S. (2023, December 25). Deep rest: An integrative model of how contemplative practices combat stress and enhance the body’s restorative capacity. Psychological Review, Advance online publication.

This post also appears on my Psychology Today blog.

In Awe of Death

My mom died from cancer when I was 14. Although her death wasn’t unexpected, it stunned me nonetheless.

One particular moment in the days following my mom’s death stands out. The night before the funeral, there was a wake in which her dead body was laid in an open casket so mourners could say their final goodbyes. For various reasons, I did not want to see my mom’s body, and I awkwardly tried to avoid it. Our priest – a good friend of mine, as well as my mom’s – must have noticed. He slowly walked up to me and, tenderly, asked if I’d like to go with him to see my mom one last time. He took my hand into his and we made our way. I believed I was supposed to feel sad and maybe even angry, and I felt those emotions as well. But, more than anything, as I gazed at my mom’s dead body, what I most felt was awe.

Dacher Keltner’s recently released book “Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How It Can Transform Your Life” most surprised me with its’ discussion of how often death evokes awe. In a study of 2,600 narratives coming from 26 countries, as described in the book, stories of death and awe were common. In a surprising demonstration of this, Keltner – the pioneering Berkeley psychologist most responsible for leading the way for a new science of awe – tells a story in the book similar to my own. As his beloved brother, Rolf, lay dying of cancer in front of him and his family, Keltner recounts:

“I felt small. Quiet. Humble. Pure. The boundaries that separated me from the outside world faded. I felt surrounded by something vast and warm. My mind was open, curious, aware, wondering.”

Keltner defines “awe” as “the feeling of being in the presence of something vast that transcends your understanding of the world.” Given this definition, it’s easy to see why death so often evokes awe. When I stood in front of my mom’s dead body, for instance, I felt dumbfounded by questions such as “where did my mom go?,” “what does life mean?,” and “what is eternity?” These vast mysteries went well beyond anything my 14-year-old mind (or any mind) can comprehend, but my wondering led me to develop curiosities and eventually gain insights that have impacted the rest of my life. Of course, I wish my mom had lived much longer. At the same time, I wouldn’t be the person I am today – in a positive sense – if I hadn’t had to face her death like I did.

This connection between death and awe is, at least in part, why so many people become so fascinated by the morbid. For example, dark tourism may enable individuals to feel awed and to probe essential issues of life, death, sacredness, and meaning. I have led courses in the Psychology of the Holocaust, for instance, including trips to Holocaust sites in Europe, and rarely have I seen students so absorbed or impacted by phenomena being studied as when we directly encountered the overwhelming memorials of death we visited.

JJ Montalban | Unsplash
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Contentment Whatever the Circumstances

No matter how people feel about Christianity, I imagine most would aspire to the place St. Paul arrived at when he declared:

“I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” (Philippians 4:11)

I don’t know about you, but I was hoping for a better 2021 than 2020. If anything, for me personally, 2021 brought more problems, not fewer. Family troubles intensified. Work conflict increased. And, though we have vaccines to mitigate the worst outcomes from COVID-19, the pandemic has not faded.

I wonder what Paul meant when he said he was content whatever the circumstances. Based on other things he wrote, I don’t believe he avoided or ignored the awful parts of life. After all, Paul was in prison at the time he wrote these words. In general, avoiding or ignoring difficult circumstances seems like a recipe for only increasing one’s problems in life long-term. So, the question I’m left with is: how can we honestly face life’s struggles and still be content?  

Part of my prayer practice is to actively listen for God. Inspired by the Quakers, I set aside time regularly to be silent and see if any wisdom “bubbles up” or “reveals itself.” I also “listen for God” in other ways, such as in conversations I have with friends. Sometimes, if I can listen carefully enough (a big “if”), something does indeed “bubble up.” Sometimes, some of that “received wisdom” has stood the test of time.  

I don’t know if any of this does a good job of answering my question – and I surely have a long way to go before I get to the place Paul was at – but when I consider how to honestly face life’s struggles and still be content, I find myself continually returning to four points of inspiration.

1. “Accept and expect irresolution.”

This is something my friend, the author and peace activist, John Noltner, likes to say. I clearly remember many years ago attending a small workshop with John when I first heard him emphasize this point. Years later, in silence, these words came back to me and they have stuck with me since.

I think part of what makes it so difficult to find contentment is we often look for final and complete resolution of our problems. Then, and only then, we believe, can we really reclaim our contentment.

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Awe as a Resource for Coping with Stress

What do you do when you face a stressful life event? Strategies obviously vary, ranging from getting drunk to binging on Netflix to talking with a friend. Individuals differ in their habitual responses to stress, and these differences significantly impact well-being. 

I’ve realized as of late how I often deal with stress by seeking a source of awe, something vast that stretches the sense of what’s possible in the moment. The experience of awe seems so distinct from the experience of stress, but reflecting on the intersection between my life experience and some new research just published by the American Psychological Association, I’m realizing how this response contributes to the ability to successfully cope with difficult times.

For instance, a few weeks ago, while a loved one underwent a long and intense surgery at one of the Mayo Clinic hospitals in Rochester, Minnesota, my wife and I decided to go for a walk. Whereas our feeling inside the hospital involved fear, agony, and dread, the simple act of getting into the sunlight and seeing the nearby trees brought us some calm. We eventually came across signs pointing us to the Plummer House – former home of Mayo partner and founder Dr. Henry Stanley Plummer – so we walked in that direction, ultimately finding the breathtaking English Tudor mansion. We explored the grounds but came to a stop, transfixed, at one of the most unusual buildings we’d ever seen – actually the old water tower for the mansion – but which my wife and I referred to as “Rapunzel’s Tower.” The architecture of the tower truly “blew our minds” for what was possible with a building, and we were lifted out of our troubles for just a moment. When our attention came back to ourselves and the situation at hand, we returned with greater clarity, strength, and connection to face the difficulties to come. 

Watertower at Plummer House, Rochester, Minnesota

In a recent article, six studies demonstrated how awe experiences diminish feelings of stress. For instance, in one study, participants were brought to the top of a 200-foot clock tower on the campus of the University of California at Berkeley. Half were randomly assigned to the awe condition, which involved gazing out the tower upon the Bay, San Francisco, and the Golden Gate Bridge; the other half were randomly assigned to a control condition, which involved gazing upon the inside of the tower. Although both groups experienced less stress associated with the hassles they reported having than before being brought to the tower (consistent with research showing the stress benefits of taking a walk outside), individuals in the awe condition, in particular, experienced greater reductions in stress, compared with individuals in the control condition. In part because of this, participants in the awe condition also reported higher satisfaction with their lives.

Why does awe decrease stress? Based on their results, the researchers suggested that:

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Settling Into Winter

Sometimes, after dinner, the dishes washed and the kitchen reasonably cleaned, a window of time opens. My family disperses into their various corners of our home, allowing me to settle into the living room. I switch into comfortable clothing and I wrap myself in the soft, oversized blanket my wife gave me for Christmas.

Tonight, I look outside, into the darkness, where the only light comes from the faint glow off the newly fallen snow. I listen to the breeze shaking the trees, rattling the house, causing the chimney to whistle. 

Unsplash | Takemaru Hirai

During an awful pandemic that mostly restricts, in the midst of a Minnesota January, freedom can sometimes be found. There are options for what to do I don’t remember always having.

There are times when I light a fire in the fireplace and drink some herbal tea before settling into some pleasure reading, writing, or Netflix. Occasionally, a family member joins me for a game of Yahtzee or Quirkle. Some nights I go upstairs and settle into my tub, surrounded by candles, smells of lavender, and classical music played by Alexa.

In the past, I probably would have interpreted these unstructured, unplanned, unexciting nights as “boring.” However, I’m now finding power in reframing them as opportunities to “settle.”  

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What If We’re Not Waging “War” Against COVID-19?

As the number of cases of COVID-19 continues to increase in our region, I continue to think of this excellent article from Christian Century. It challenges the presumption that the most productive metaphor for what we’re doing as a society is “waging war against the virus,” and instead raises some very thought-provoking questions:

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Christopher Sardegna | Unsplash

“What will it mean for our country and world to live well with this pandemic?”

“Will we be patient and kind?”

Will we be able to truthfully accept and faithfully bear this tragedy, even as we try to conquer it?”

“How will we care for those who cannot be cured – a question made painfully difficult by the six or more feet of space that separates the dying from their families?”

“How well will we grieve – privately in our own homes, locally in shifts of ten, and collectively as a human race?”

Is Mental Health a Valid Reason to Not Socially Distance?

Even as public health experts and government authorities continue to advocate for physical distancing to minimize the spread of COVID-19, compliance appears to be diminishing. For example, mobile phone data across the United States reveals trends, beginning toward the end of April, of individuals spending more time away from their homes.

Of the many reasons why individuals may not comply with physical distancing guidelines, concerns about mental health may be most prominent. A Gallup poll conducted in April, for instance, indicated how emotional and mental health seemed to be the strongest consideration for individuals maintaining distancing, as compared with concerns about physical health and financial hardship.

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United Nations COVID-19 Response | Unsplash

The pandemic clearly is not just a crisis for physical health and the medical system; it also is an enormous challenge for mental health and the mental health system. New data released over this past weekend by Jean Twenge hints at the magnitude of these problems. In her survey conducted on April 27th, Twenge asked U. S. adults how sad or nervous they felt and compared those responses with demographically similar adults who answered the same questions in 2018. She found that roughly 70% of Americans demonstrate “moderate to severe” mental distress now, during the pandemic, a rate three times that reported in 2018. Young people show the greatest distress, a group other research has also found to be most socially isolated.

And yet, even as these problems become more evident, no major mental health organization – such as the American Psychological Association (APA) – publicly opposes physical distancing guidelines. Instead, mental health and behavioral experts point to ways to maintain distancing while at the same time attending to individuals’ mental health.

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Lessons from the Monks for the COVID-19 Pandemic

When people ask me how I’m doing in this time of “shelter-in-place,” I sometimes will make an attempt at humor and respond: “I’ve always thought I could have been a monk.” 

I’ve long been intrigued by monks and by monastic living.

Whenever I’ve had the opportunity, I’ve tried to learn what I can about monks and monastic living and to incorporate those insights into my daily life. Many years ago, for instance, I participated in the sunrise chants of the Benedictine monks living at St. John’s Abbey in Collegeville, Minnesota, and this taught me something about the vitality of intentional prayer, particularly early in the morning. Since it aired 13 years ago, this On Being interview with Shane Claiborne about “a monastic revolution” has challenged me to be a “real Christian” and follow the sometimes very straightforward and radical teachings of Jesus. Similarly, I’ve been struck by this publication of “the Monk Manifesto” a few years ago, particularly principle #3: “I commit to cultivating community by finding kindred spirits along the path, soul friends with whom I can share my deepest longings, and mentors who can offer guidance and wisdom for the journey.”

As I think about this, I wonder if part of the challenge many of us are facing right now is this: we’re living sort of like monks as we “shelter-in-place,” but without the knowledge of tradition, support, or intentionality that typically comes with monastic living. 

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